I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
