so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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