Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
