She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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