I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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