Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
