All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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