when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
