I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I didn't notice because vodka
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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