New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I think my moral compass just broke
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
