I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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