I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
