I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Who died my cat blue again?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
