You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
How external is "for external use only"?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
