2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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