Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
