Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
