Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
