we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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