1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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