Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
