now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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