dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
