Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
