I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
