woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
