They should really pass out barf bags in church
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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