the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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