is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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