my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
