I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
