i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The beer is more important than you right now.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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