I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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