apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
