I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
