Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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