My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
