Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
