i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
