I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
