If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
