Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
