Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
