you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
