If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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