I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
