i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
