Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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