dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
