it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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