dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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