Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
