Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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