Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
