Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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