why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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