Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Randomize
