Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
