I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
