I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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