Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
